A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.*

Recently I attended a community forum on physical, verbal, and emotional abuse of vulnerable people, including spouses, partners, parents, and children. The house was full with about 50 women and 3-4 men. As we listened to personal stories told by brave survivors and sage advice from experienced counselors, my eyes swept the audience. All I could think of was where the hell are the concerned men? Where are the men who work with and bowl with and joke with these abusers?  

Of course, all abusers are not men. There is woman on man abuse, man on man abuse, and woman on woman abuse. I’d venture to say the vast majority of cases involve men abusing women. 

We heard a lot about what women who witness abuse of a friend or relative should and should not do, and it was very helpful. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone is out there educating men, especially young men and boys, about what to do when their buddy or colleague is the abuser. (It was gratifying to hear that some schools have classes on relationships that cover abuse. I am guessing they talk about how to better handle anger. I wonder if they cover what to do when your high school friend is abusing his girlfriend, when you are the witness, not the abuser.)

You can find a few articles online directed at men who suspect or know a friend is an abuser. They offer the same advice that is given to a woman whose friend is being abused.

·      In private, get the abused person’s permission to talk with the abuser.  

       You  could make things worse if you barge in uninvited.

·      Explain you are speaking because you are concerned, as a friend.

·      Remember the good parts of this person as you speak

·      Use I statements. I have noticed–. I have seen–. I’m worried when I 

       hear–.

·      Allow for possible misunderstandings

·      Avoid confrontation, threats, assumptions. You are not there to rescue 

       anyone. That decision must come from the person being abused. If it’s an 

       emergency, though, call the authorities.

·      Allow for pauses so the other person can speak

·      Be willing to simply start a conversation. You don’t have to solve it right 

       now. And, be willing to revisit it. Don’t give up, even if it’s just to let the 

      abused person know when they are ready, you are there.

·      Most importantly, understand the risks you face. They can go well beyond losing a friend. Talk to an expert on how to proceed before you act.

Who is going to men’s service clubs, fraternities, fraternal organizations to talk about this? Who goes to places where men work, worship or play to teach them how to identify abuse and how to approach a friend or colleague?

Here are the stats from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

·      An average of 20 people experience intimate partner physical violence every minute

·      1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence and/or sexual violence

·      1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner

·      1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner

·      1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner   

Think about this. Next time you’re in a movie theater, imagine cordoning off ¼ of the audience; that’s how many people are being abused. Look at the people around you at McDonald’s or in a posh restaurant; on average, 1 in 4 of them are being abused. 

It’s pretty darn likely that eventually we will find ourselves witnessing an abusive situation, so this was an important community forum. But, we need both men and women to shoulder this burden. Men deserve the same education on what to do and what not to do if they suspect their friend or colleague is the abuser. What if your friend’s wife has bruises, claims to fall downstairs a lot, wears long sleeves and sunglasses at inappropriate times? What if your buddies are joking about and demeaning women, using abusive language, talking about a potentially abusive colleague? Do you go along? Quietly walk away? Or, do you start a conversation?

Men should not be sent out there uneducated on the subject, but they should be educated and sent out there to get involved. This is not a woman's problem. The responsibility is on all shoulders, including those brawny ones.

*This quotation is attributed to more people than live in my town.

  Feel free to take credit if you want to join their ranks.

Installment #2     Calling All Crabby Old Women

 

Under Any Condition? Nope.

How often do you hear a gushing newly-betrothed or newly-married person on TV say, “He/she completes me.”

Oh, please. Pass the anti-emetics. Honey, if you ain’t complete, you should not be offering yourself up to someone else. What part of you needs completing? If your partner isn’t complete, run. Run like hell. You wouldn’t take your car off the assembly line and say, “I’ll just finish that myself, thanks.” You’d be heading for a big wreck for sure. Why accept someone who is incomplete? This doesn’t mean you need to find or be a perfect person, but if a person is not fully baked in truly important areas, step back and reassess.

You can bet the next thing gushed will be, “He/she loves me unconditionally.” Well, good grief, why? If you and your bud don’t care enough about yourselves to have conditions on your relationship, why not? Does this mean you will accept any treatment? Does unconditional love include abuse? Disrespect? Refusal to takes steps to change and improve things? Of course, you won’t ever find someone or be someone without any warts. But, some warts aren’t warts; they are malignant and do not have to be tolerated unconditionally.

Relationships have conditions, rules, boundaries. On a good day, they are mutually agreed upon. If that doesn't work out, you still can be a loving person and step out of the path of weapons that are not born of love. You do not have to pass those very unloving tests of loyalty. Sometimes, taking leave of the relationship may actually preserve the love.

I shudder to think how many people suffer because they have swallowed those trite lines that were dreamed up by an inexperienced, clueless script writer on his or her first job at the Lifetime channel. New wedding vows:

I got warts, you got warts. After careful examination, I find you to be pretty much intact. I will continue to work on improving myself as best I can. Since we both promise to work on things together, let’s have a go at it.

Cue the romantic music.

And that’s why I won’t be applying for a job at the Lifetime channel.

  

Installment #1     Calling All Crabby Old Women

Women and Children and Men First

     When I hear a news report about a disaster and the reporter says the casualties included “women and children,” that irritates me.  Of course, when children are caught in natural disasters or the crossfire of idiot adults acting badly, it is especially tragic. But, this “women and children” thing implies that the tragedy is especially sad because women and children were victims. Is it less tragic to lose a son, husband, or father than a daughter, wife, or mother?  Men’s lives are equally valuable, and it’s equally tragic when they are lost. I get that when the boat is listing at 45 degrees, it should be “children first.” It’s past time, however, to retire that “women and children” thing. It devalues our menfolk.

     Also, grouping women with children implies equivalent helplessness, and that devalues we womenfolk. It perpetrates the notion that women are childlike and in need of protection (and therefore easier to treat like children no matter their age.) Please! Women are carrying weapons across the desert and wielding scalpels during brain surgery. That is not “dew” on their foreheads.

     If my ship is sinking, men do not need to step aside and help me hoist my hoop skirt over the railing. Maybe I’ll want my chance to be heroic and help some worthy gent save himself. On the other hand, maybe I’ll want my chance to fend for myself and race him to the rail. None of that should depend on which side of the shirt the buttons are sewn on.

     I heard an NPR reporter use the phrase “women and children” to show that some tragedy was especially egregious. I asked NPR about that. They said they have addressed this outdated custom, but once in a while it slips by the editor. I wasn’t the only crabby one, I guess.

     And just for the record, yes, it’s very nice when people hold doors open for one another, all genders aside. Whoever gets there first and is able to open the door should. Whomever benefits from this kind gesture, just say thank you. Save your crabbiness for something important like “women and children first.”