A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.*

Recently I attended a community forum on physical, verbal, and emotional abuse of vulnerable people, including spouses, partners, parents, and children. The house was full with about 50 women and 3-4 men. As we listened to personal stories told by brave survivors and sage advice from experienced counselors, my eyes swept the audience. All I could think of was where the hell are the concerned men? Where are the men who work with and bowl with and joke with these abusers?  

Of course, all abusers are not men. There is woman on man abuse, man on man abuse, and woman on woman abuse. I’d venture to say the vast majority of cases involve men abusing women. 

We heard a lot about what women who witness abuse of a friend or relative should and should not do, and it was very helpful. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone is out there educating men, especially young men and boys, about what to do when their buddy or colleague is the abuser. (It was gratifying to hear that some schools have classes on relationships that cover abuse. I am guessing they talk about how to better handle anger. I wonder if they cover what to do when your high school friend is abusing his girlfriend, when you are the witness, not the abuser.)

You can find a few articles online directed at men who suspect or know a friend is an abuser. They offer the same advice that is given to a woman whose friend is being abused.

·      In private, get the abused person’s permission to talk with the abuser.  

       You  could make things worse if you barge in uninvited.

·      Explain you are speaking because you are concerned, as a friend.

·      Remember the good parts of this person as you speak

·      Use I statements. I have noticed–. I have seen–. I’m worried when I 

       hear–.

·      Allow for possible misunderstandings

·      Avoid confrontation, threats, assumptions. You are not there to rescue 

       anyone. That decision must come from the person being abused. If it’s an 

       emergency, though, call the authorities.

·      Allow for pauses so the other person can speak

·      Be willing to simply start a conversation. You don’t have to solve it right 

       now. And, be willing to revisit it. Don’t give up, even if it’s just to let the 

      abused person know when they are ready, you are there.

·      Most importantly, understand the risks you face. They can go well beyond losing a friend. Talk to an expert on how to proceed before you act.

Who is going to men’s service clubs, fraternities, fraternal organizations to talk about this? Who goes to places where men work, worship or play to teach them how to identify abuse and how to approach a friend or colleague?

Here are the stats from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

·      An average of 20 people experience intimate partner physical violence every minute

·      1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence and/or sexual violence

·      1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner

·      1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner

·      1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner   

Think about this. Next time you’re in a movie theater, imagine cordoning off ¼ of the audience; that’s how many people are being abused. Look at the people around you at McDonald’s or in a posh restaurant; on average, 1 in 4 of them are being abused. 

It’s pretty darn likely that eventually we will find ourselves witnessing an abusive situation, so this was an important community forum. But, we need both men and women to shoulder this burden. Men deserve the same education on what to do and what not to do if they suspect their friend or colleague is the abuser. What if your friend’s wife has bruises, claims to fall downstairs a lot, wears long sleeves and sunglasses at inappropriate times? What if your buddies are joking about and demeaning women, using abusive language, talking about a potentially abusive colleague? Do you go along? Quietly walk away? Or, do you start a conversation?

Men should not be sent out there uneducated on the subject, but they should be educated and sent out there to get involved. This is not a woman's problem. The responsibility is on all shoulders, including those brawny ones.

*This quotation is attributed to more people than live in my town.

  Feel free to take credit if you want to join their ranks.