Fried Eggs, the GOP, and IVF

 

Wendy Gilbert Gronbeck

 

Men of the GOP, I know your feelings are hurt. It must be terribly hard to accept that sometimes a syringe works better than your manly parts. How embarrassing to be outperformed by a turkey baster. Is this why Linsey Graham looks so sour and Mitch McConnell so befuddled? If your wife is stepping out on you with a turkey baster, I certainly understand why you have taken up arms (and your other manly parts) to wage war on Petrie Dishes.

 

Long ago you made it clear whose problem infertility is. It’s those women–losing their pregnancies, failing to conceive, walking around with incompetent cervices.

 

But for heaven’s sake, guys–you can do better! You are selling yourselves short. You haven’t begun to take this far enough. Did you know that many fertilized eggs (aka young people) are flushed out naturally during menstruation? Come on, Gyn Masters, I’m sure you know that. All us women washing away the well-crafted products of your manly parts, month after month, year after year? The Vatican says keeping embryos alive is “opposed to human dignity,” and woe unto you if you destroy one. That leaves women with a tough task, expelling unattached embryos every month, worrying about their dignity, performing itty bitty CPR. The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that embryos are children and if you destroy one, you can be charged with wrongful death. So, it is incumbent on you GOP incumbents to put all menstruating women in the pokey.

 

You can put an end to this. How? For starters, you should jail all menstruating women, though some of them might call that respite. And, you could set up inspection stations, sift through things, rescue those little expelled kiddies.

 

One more thing: while you’re all up there in our business, would you mind providing some of those more mature embryos with school lunches, affordable healthcare, and a decent education? And remember to wear your gloves, boys.